WHAT was I thinking....?

    I'm not really sure.  All I know is that the last 10 days have been eye opening for me.  I realized that I really love coming here and writing my thoughts, reading about others lives and some of the profound thoughts they have, and I can't stand to be away any longer.  I've been limiting my time at the library and online at a home where I have access, that part seems sensible.  Not writing here, that's not so sensible.  I've wanted to encourage, commiserate, congratulate, and comment-only doing it once the whole time I was "gone".  So, for what it's worth, I'm back.   :)

    April 7th has been a day, twice before, that has been life changing.  On April 7th, 1976, I was in a car accident that left me hospitalized for 13 days, comatose for 2 of them, with 2 fractured vertebrae, and 142 stitches in my head and face.  I came through it with no permanent disabilities, was only off work for a month after my release from the hospital, but I have scars.  I don't remember the accident or the aftermath until I woke up in the hospital 2 days later.  My uncle and dad's next door neighbor were the volunteer fire dept. ambulance drivers, and the only way they found out who I was, was when they started to cut my clothes off and I started swearing at them.  My head injuries were severe enough that they couldn't recognize me.  I have what one of my more recent doctors referred to as a Harry Potter scar-not having read the books yet or seen the movies, I had no idea what she was talking about.  Now I do.  I've never had insurance to pay for plastic surgery, so I've lived with the scars all my adult life.  Bangs cover the worst one, some people don't even notice it until the wind blows or I get my hair wet when swimming.  These scars do remind me of the role that outward appearance plays for some people.  And it makes me realize just what you can miss by judging a book by it's cover. 

    The second time was April 7th, 1985.  I was 8 1/2 months pregnant, sitting in my favorite restaurant having coffee with the "gang" when I felt a twingeand needed to excuse myself for the bathroom.  2 hours later, my doctor broke my water and the process of my Son entering the world began.  He waited till the next day to actually arrive, allowing me to hold over his head that "I was in labor for 28 hours with you and....."   Happy Birthday Son!

    April 7th, 2008.  This is a third life changing day for me.  I've been struggling with alot of things lately-for the last 5 years actually.  I felt that I failed in my marriage, that I could never do things good enough, or be good enough, and was actually told those very things by the man who was supposed to love me.  My son was disrespectful, rebellious, cruel to me, I felt that I was a failure as a mother, too.(thankfully, I was very wrong about that)  A lifetime of trying to please others and ending up being nothing more than an inadequate doormat has taught me that I will never be good enough for someone else's ideals of what I should be.  I have spent so much of my life trying to fit in shoes that aren't mine to wear, have never been mine to wear, should never have been placed in front of me to begin with.  I can't live that way any longer.  I am working on letting the real person inside shine through, I've been thinking on who I'd like to be, what message I'd like the world to see when they look at me.  Yes, I have scars, outside and inside, but they don't define who I am.  They may in fact hide who I am, as some who see me won't see past them.  I may walk through the rest of my life alone, but I will be walking through it the way I want to, as who I want to be, imperfections and all.  And on this day, April 7th, 2008, I am ready to begin practicing what I've learned.  Today is actually a culmination of alot of soulsearching, reading, and thinking.  I have alot to learn yet, that's  something I'll never have to stop doing.  Thank the Goddess, I have the rest of my life to do it.  Stay tuned, I'll share some of my hard learned lessons.

    I'm closing this entry with a Happy Birthday wish for Son, and my wish that you all have the best day possible, and....

                               ~Thanks For Stopping By~