Yesterday's entry was my frustration screaming out. And at this time, I'd like to add some clarification, some insights about why I feel this way. For me, now, my life is supposed to be about finally being able to live a life. By that statement, I mean actually being able to do things. Taking a day or a few, alittle money and having a fun experience. I can't believe how tongue tied I am, right now. Let's try again.
I am so very grateful for my life, I have a career that is useful, making a difference in the lives of the elderly and disabled, that supports me. I enjoy my work. I have a roof over my head, clothes, food, a car, all my basic needs are met. No, it's not ideal, but liveable. I have a grown son that lives in another state, and for the most part takes care of himself. For all these things, I am grateful.
The majority of my adult life was spent meeting the needs of others, even at the expense of my own needs. I worked hard. I became my husbands sole caregiver when he became disabled, worked 13 years, 3 months and 7 days at a part-time job, without a whole day off. Yes, I counted them, even the leap days! It was what I had to do to add to the coffers. There were no vacations, no day trips, no holiday spent just celebrating the day. There was no moral, emotional, or physical help from his family. I was on my own. For years, I lived with the dread that things would never get any better. There would never be anything else. A hopelessness set in that nearly destroyed me. When my husband passed away due to complications from surgery, my life was changed. The ensuing 5 years have been about learning how to life my life for me. How to find peace, hope, satisfaction, emotional health, healing some of the scars from the inside. As you can see, some of them are still raw, but I'm getting better at it.
Since that last entry, I've done some thinking about my situation, trying to figure out what I need to do to fix things, solutions that I can and have to live with. Yes, I will go to the lake often, and yes I will enjoy that. And I will find things to do on my hours off, but it's not the same thing. It's not what I wanted(needed for *me*) to do for my summer. The last few years have been about working, earning a living, knowing that I cuold support myself. I need more than that, now. That's what the few plans this summer were about. I have to reformulate my plans, somehow, for later. In the meantime, I will go back to dreaming about going someplace, doing something for *me*. I won't give up on those dreams. Been there, done that, and I didn't like it. Maybe this is a hint that I should be concentrating on my emotional health and spirituality, learning something else for now. Maybe it's a hint that I should settle down and make that quilt for my son. I think he's going to need it this next winter.
Oh, and that neighbor came over last night while we were sitting outside, but Bro sat between us. She's lucky! This time....
~Thanks For Stopping By~