Reality Bites!

Disclaimer: I don't claim that my life is all sunshine and lavendar, but i do try to keep the stinkweed out of this particular "bed of roses".  You gardeners know what I mean.

     I haven't written much about the day to day "stuff" going on in my life lately and that stuff has got me in a blue funk.  So please bear with me while I whine a little bit.  I was so looking forward to summer.  I had made plans to do some summertime activities. Some fun stuff.  Over the last couple of weeks, I've watched them all-one by one-vanish into the realm of wishful thinking.

   I've been working very hard trying to tame the pessimistic side of my nature, trying very hard to build some selfl-esteem, believeing that I am worth good things happening to me.  I have what I jokingly refer to as "doormatitis".  That I don't deserve the best chair position at the kitchen table, the closest parking spot, of course it's my fault you didn't pay the bills on time-wipe your feet here.(sorry that was just too sarcastic), that my value as a person isn't as important as others. That I'm not good enough to be treated better, to expect better.  A psychologist would have a field day with me.

   Anyway, I had plans for a couple different things to do.  the trip to see Kansas at this music festival, at least for me,has been cancelled.  My landlord called to see if I'd be interested in doing some part-time caregiving work.  During the phone conversation, I discovered that the rent has gotten way behind.  That things are at the point that it will take all summer to catch up.  I feel ashamed that I didn't keep on top of the situation, knowing the irresponsible way my "roommates" handle billpaying.  For those of you that are new to my journal, I share a house with my brother and nephew.  But complaining about them not paying their fair share isn't my point here.  I now have to concentrate on getting the rent caught up.  The $125 I had set aside for the trip was sent for rent-no Kansas.

   I was planning on taking the last weekend in July off to follow the canoe marathon.  It's a 125 mile race down the river-an all night event.  I don't normally ask for weekends or holidays off, I don't mind working them.  At my company, you have to fill out a calendar for the days you are not "available" to work.  You have to do this a month in advance.  July's calendar was due by June 1st and sent in with my days off marked.  When I received my schedule for the month of July, I saw that I am scheduled for shifts on both days.  I called the office manager and she told me that she had "forgotten" about my request and that there were so many others that had asked for the same weekend, she was having trouble covering the open shifts. (Wipe your feet here)  So the one thing I could have afforded to do-$30 for gas-I can't get the days off to do.  Now, the last thing I was planning to do in August, I've scrapped.  There are only so many times I can beat my head against the wall and not hurt myself more.  And yes, I do realize what I just said.

   So for now, I'm in a blue funk.  I didn't really ask for all that much.  But, I didn't plan far enough in advance, prepare for life's little bites in the ass, or keep things in the perspective that more than likely they wouldn't happen anyway.  I'm just having a more difficult time than usual handling it.  I'm one of those people that just go on, gettin through my days the best I can, but sometimes that means carrying along alot of resentment at the unfairness of my life.  The good news is that I'll get over it-I always do. 

   Oh, and if my backyard neighbor comes over here one more time, to tell me how to live my life, I swear I'm going to knock her into next week!  I don't care if she has been a friend of my brother's since childhood.  But...that's a whole nother journal entry.  So, thanks for letting me blow off some steam, I'll be okay.  And as always....

                        ~Thanks for Stopping By~