I don't usually write this kind of entry, but I am so disappointed with my life right now. I am extremely frustrated, unhappy, and if I thought it would help-I'd scream. But I know it won't. I guess I just need to talk about it some.
On August 3rd, I won tickets to go see Three Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin, Seether, and Skillet on Oct. 12th(next Friday). Through the last two and a half months it was one of the things that kept me going, kept my hopes and spirits up, kept me looking forward. It would have been the "First" concert show I would have ever gotten to see in my life. It was my birthday present to me. I was So excited.
Yeah, you guessed it, I can't go.
I just can't afford to go. I found out today that I'll be losing 1/3 of my weekly hours, and of course, 1/3 of my paychecks. I am SO frustrated. One of my clients has to move to another agency for care. She cried today as she told me. I told her we'd keep in touch, and see each other often, trying to soothe her and all I can think about is "myself". I am ashamed of that.
The whole summer, I had made plans to do a few things, take a couple weekends off. EVERY single one of my plans had to be scrapped. I kept thinking, well things will be better by the time the concert comes along, Bro will be back to work, the bills will be more under control, things settled. (She laughs very sarcastically) Yes, Bro is back to work, Potsey is working fulltime, and I am still footing the majority of the bills(they both make more than me). They're too busy spending their money on Bow hunting equipment, trips to Vegas, paintball, steaks on the grill, partying, new CD's. I am filled with an extreme amount of resentment right now. They Both know how much I was looking forward to this. They got to see Three Days Grace in January and have been telling me for 2 months-how much I am going to enjoy this. They are Not UNaware of my financial contributions here, I've covered the cable/internet bill for 2 months(half Potsey's responsibility), he's been too busy blowing his money. I don't want to lose internet, so....
At this point, I don't know what I'm going to do. Other than be miserable. It seems like there will be plenty of that for the next week or so. I just can't write any more tonight, maybe I'll come back and explain alittle more clearly in a later entry. I try to maintain a good attitude about things, try to remember my blessings (I do have many), but tonight-I just feel so crapped on and deserted by the people closest to me. Bye for now...
11 comments:
I'm so sorry that you aren't getting to go to something you have looked forward to. Answer this for me, if you won tickets how is it costing you so much to go? Anyway, try to have a good weekend. : )
Allison
Hi Allison, thanks. $30 for gas- it's 90 miles away, time off work to go $45. That's bare bones. Leigh
I am sorry you don't get to go. that sucks. they should cough up the gas money and the money for what you miss at work. it sounds like they owe it to you anyway.
take care
tina
That really is a major let down. I think however, that you should still go. You have been looking forward to it. Even if that means you have to tell these fellas that in order for you to have something you have been looking forward to you need for them to pitch in as you have kept things afloat for all this time. I know you shouldn't have to even ask, but some people can be so oblivious!!! As far as feeling guilty for your feelings, that is natural. And you deserve to reward yourself from time to time. Just do it. And do it cause I said so hehehe. I at the worst time during my divorce and no child support coming in and working 2 jobs I spent just a small amount of money on myself and felt so guilty for it but in the end I think I needed to do that so I had some kind of reason other than bills to rationalize my hard work. If you don't do this at times work becomes very heavy with all the thoughts of I hate this all this and nothing to show for it, other than payed bills. You have to give yourself some of the rewards too. Best of luck to you and I am praying you get to go and enjoy yourself. Keep us posted. I would even be willing to send you the money to go...smiles...
Lovins...
TrayCee
I am in hopes that this all works out and the rest shall follow. You are so worth it. Take a deep breathe and remember it gonna be what You make it to be. Take care and let this work out,
Katie
Wow...I really understand frustration, being disappointed and let down all the time. How do you think I wound up in the tent?? LOL!!
Try to find some way to go...even if it means pointing out to your Bro and Potsey that this is something really special to you and couldn't they just give up one back yard BBQ, one paintball game or a couple of new hunting arrows and HELP you. You've already got the tickets and you've had them since August.....it sounds like all you need is a tank of gas and and a few $$ for the trip. And it sounds like they are typical men...just oblivious to your feelings. TELL THEM!!!
Good luck.......I hope you get to feeling better and things look up for you.
I'm sure you'll get a new client soon........there's always a need for good care givers.
Keep us posted and let us know how things turns out....
Sunny. :-)
aving a journal is one of the reasons "this kind of entry" is all about hon. Scream, yell, froth at the mouth - anything you want :)
I think I would attempt to put the point out there to your "roomies" that it is time for them to pay up and start taking responsibility for their part of the bills. Too bad you can't afford to be on your own, I understand not being able to also, trust me...been there, done that. It's not right (as well you know) that you are maintaing STILL the large part of the support infrastructure of the household. Maturity is not always a granted state of being, at least with a lot of males that I know at that age LOL.
I am very sorry about your disappointment about the concert - and even tho you won the concert tickets themselves it STILL cost money as you said for gas and loss of the wages you would normally make.
I really hope you get to go and Bro and Potsey step up and take responsibility so you can.
Hugz, Teresa
http://journals.aol.com/stetsonsfyre/remembering-to-exhale/
Sounds to me that it might be time to teach them a lesson and let the electricity get turned off. When they complain, tell them it's time for them to Cowboy UP.
One thing I don't understand is... if you WON the tickets, why can't you afford to go?
If it has something to do with missing work, do it anyway. It will be worth it in the end. Money crap has a way of working things out. Besides, GUYS ARE DUMB... you can't assume that they are putting two and two together concerning your financial status. You tell them that it's your birthday, you planned on going, and by the time you get back there better be some contributions from them waiting for you in the household COFFERS.
You need to take responsibility for your part in this, because you can't control what anyone else does, only what you do. Is it possible you do what I used to do a lot, which is protect others from the consequences of their own actions? Also, are you looking at (as Dr. Phil says) what your "payoff" is? You get to play the martyr, you get to blame circumstances for your discontent--which is a lot easier than looking at your reluctance to choose joy on a daily basis. Don't you see how deeply silly it is to anchor your sense of happiness to whether or not you can go to a concert? (And like it was pointed out, I thought you won the tickets?)
Don't play the victim honey. You're too smart.
I feel for you. I do the same thing. I give & give & they take & take until I lose it. It's hard to put yourself first, but lay down some consequences (i.e. let the cable get shut off & let them come up with the money & arrange to have it turned off - I know that it affects you too, but they will get the message). I used to cover for my ex all the time. He knew I would always get him out of the problem & I grew more & more resentful. He even wanted me to come up with solutions for his problems after were divorced until one day I reached my end & said no more. I am not responsible for him anymore. He was quite shocked. It took a couple more times of saying no, but he finally got it. I felt so much better for taking care of myself first & there wasn't the pressure of someone elses problems. You can do it. They are doing things that make themselves happy, do what makes you happy. It is not selfish. It is soul preserving.
http://journals.aol.com/wildautumn1/this-is-really-me/
http://journals.aol.com/wildautumn1/love-for-wildautumnrose/
Honey, I can't really say anything more than what everyone else is saying. I'm glad you wrote about this. Life is by far not all smooth days and jubilant feelings. As for the other two members of your house. Sit them down and explain you will no longer cover their expenses. They either pay their share or you find another place. You can always get a roomate to pay expenses in another place to help out. If there is one thing I can't stand is irresponsible adults. Your brother and his son need to do their part. Your not the only one living there. Love Ya Hon! (Hugs) Indigo
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