A quiet time, here.

Ahhh, quiet.  I have the house to myself for awhile this morning.  Unfortunately, I can't get the TV/Stereo units to do anything.  I've never been very good at figuring that stuff out.  There's the TV, Stereo, DVD player, XBox, all hooked up together.  I don't watch much TV, usually listen to the stereo when it's already on, and so have never  learned what to do.  And come on, there are 5 (that's right) remotes and I'm not even sure which one does what!  ;(   So, here I sit with the bubbler on Kirby's (fish) tank for noise.  A storm just blew through, had to run around  removing fans and shutting all the windows.  It rains in the windows really easily here. 

    The old place is all cleaned out, the keys returned this morning, so technically, the move is done!  I say technically, because the boxes still surround me.  I'm very grateful that we're done.  I had a sad moment last night when I locked the door for the last time.  Actually talked to the house, told thankyou for sheltering us for the last two years.  Wished it well.  I went out to the firepit that my son built for us and brought a few of the stones over to add to the new firepit here.  It just seemed like the thing to do.  Kind of a continuation of things. 

    I've had a problem making entries in any of  my journals lately.  I have 4 counting the one in my day planner that marks daily to do's and events for that particular day.  I want to write good things, cheery things, hopeful things, maintain an upbeat outlook on the pages.  When I don't feel so upbeat, I don't write.  Then I'm frustrated that I haven't written, I'm supposed to be honest with myself, here, of all places.  I still have the journals from the years of my marriage, when my husband was ill and so self-absorbed, when the children(including 2 stepchildren) were so disrespectful, cruel and hurtful.  I do NOT like the way I wrote back then, the way I felt back then, and promised myself that when I started this new part of my life, I wouldn't do that anymore.  So, now I find myself unable to make entries, unable to record the feelings I'm having right now.  I lived with that pain for so many years, the feelings of inadequecy, the hurt of never being good enough, the lonliness.  Now, I find that I'm hiding from these emotions.  I don't want them to be a part of this new self.  Don't want them to invade my world of selfdiscovery and growth.  I find that my lack of self-confidence and self-esteem control much of my existence.  I've been fighting these feelings since my youth.  Haven't found the Knight in Shining Armour(belief in myself) to banish these dragons from my kingdom.  I know, a strange metaphor, but that's the picture that popped into my head.  I know that I'm a valuable employee, that I am loved by my family, that I am reasonably intelligent, BUT...    I don't want to be trapped in the cycle of needing others' approval to feel self worth any more.  For too many years, I waited for my father, husband, boss, child, in-laws, the world in general to pat me on the head, tell me I was good enough, that I was appreciated, loved, needed.  Then couldn't accept praise for what it was(is), because I always felt like I could have done better.  What a vicious cycle, what a self defeating belief.  I don't know how to heal that yet.  But I'm working on it, working on just being who I am, making that good enough for me.  At this point in my life, I'm dealing with the knowledge that the way my husband treated my is a form of emotional abuse, that the neglect from my father was just the way that he was, not very demonstrative emotionally, he did love me.  That even though my in-laws didn't approve of me, they appreciated the fact that I took care of their (better than his wife) son, which kept him out of a nursing home-they wouldn't have tried to keep him at home-for years.  Someone else told me about that after he passed away.  I'm searching for closure to the hurts of the past.  I have a future that will rely on ME to make it worthwhile, to make it what I want it to be.  There are just days, like today, when I have to get this off my chest.  Could I have done a better job of things?   Been a better person, better mother, wife, daughter?  Yeah, probably, but I did the best I could at the time.  See, that's where I beat myself up-I should have been able to do better.

    Well, the house is full again, so I'm going to hit the save key before I change my mind about letting my insecurities out into the world.  Thanks for stopping by...